Monday, December 31, 2001

Happa: Thank you so much for sharing your pregnancy stories! I really appreciate your advice too, although I don't think there is ever a dignified way to use the term "Mucus Plug". :-) Honestly, it was very helpful to me to read your post and I hope to get more of your advice in the future!

Boogie Shoes: Thanks for thinking of us and as far as the remora-esque relatives, I say tell them off in public and out loud. Sure, it'll be ugly, but you'll never be strapped with them again. Well maybe there's a good reason I don't write an advice column...

Growing Up

I learned a lot today
I learned something about myself
I learned something about my life and love
I listed all the things I did today: dishes, laundry, cooking, belly and back rubs, emptying garbage, taking care of the cats.
I knew there was a time I'd break my hand patting myself on the back for these things...
I thought about my wife lying in bed most of the day asking for water or fruit or company
I knew there was a time I'd have been jealous or selfish...
I saw myself now, giving each thing without question and not much complaint.
I know there was a time there would have been MUCH discontentment...
I laughed, because love and marriage have given me new eyes, stronger, truer eyes
I know instantly and with all my heart that I have not done as much or worked as hard as she has.
I could always take a break, a time out, an escape, while she's been trapped in morning sickness with no end in sight.
I know that would drive me towared a claustrophobic insanity.
She feels like she gets moody, but I don't hear it.
She feels like she doesn't look good, I don't see it.
She feels like she's keeping us from going out and having fun. Not true.
She cries suddenly and laments the lack of reason, but the reason is all too clear.
She looks at me and I feel the endless storm inside her, the relentless assault on her body from within.
She sobs and I sense the perpetual drain and fear of when this feeling might possibly stop, or slow or lessen even a little and I know she has no answers yet.
She looks at me with tears streaming, feeling like she's broken and failing.
She cries and I see the strongest, bravest most loving and beautiful person I have ever known and I can only wish there was more I could do.
We will get through this if I keep my new eyes open.
We will get through this if I remember to tell her what I feel.
We will succeed because she is doing the same.
We will succeed because there is more than a baby comming.
We are writing letters in love that spell out our future together, a word for all time.
Family, like a medal of honor earned with your soul. That will be our prize if our hearts are true.


Friday, December 28, 2001

Boogie Shoes: HAHAHAHAHA okay I won't go there, but it was funny...
Tempest: So glad to hear from you and happy that you are starting to feel better. Hope it continues... Thanks for the thoughts too!
Logi: As always, well wishes and thanks for your support!


Okay, I have to admit, I did not know what to expect when I went to the Gynecologists office to share this experience with my wife. I assumed that they'd put a little jelly on her belly and roll a little sensor around. My wife thought the same thing. Suprise! They don't do that this early, oh no. We get in the office and first of all it was odd getting to go into the forbidden area beyond the mystical door no man was meant to pass, but for me they broke the 7th seal and let me through. So we get in to our little room (through a labrynth of twisting corridors, this place was clearly larger on the inside than outside) and my wife is instructed to strip waist-down and wrap a big paper towel around herself (no shit, a big spanking paper towel...) and hop up on the table, put her feet in these little foot holders and scootch all the way down. (we call this assuming the position :-) Well now the woman reaches into this giant holster and pulls out this little club or nightstick or something. It looks vaguely familiar, but I can't remember exactly why. Then she informs my wife that it will be a little cold from the gel and proceeds to inset said magic wand into my wife. The results were just breath-taking for us. Seeing this baby inside her both validated the whole experience thusfar and absolutely thrilled and amazed us. I didn't think anything could be more exciting than this when the woman says "Okay, now I am going to let you hear the heartbeat" and suddenly out of what seemed to be every corner of the room, this incedible fast pounding heartbeat resonated through the room. For what may be the first time in my life I was truly humbled to the whole concept of life. then I remembered what was familiar about that magic wand, it sort of looked like a Mr. Microphone! Sure maybe it was upside-down, but there was the proof, that thing was a Mr. Microphone, retrofitted with a sonic sensor. Good recycling guys! Seriously though, I cannot get the memory of that sound, and the sight of the little beating heart on the sono-monitor, out of my head. It was amazing.

Finally, to the damn fertility doctor who was distinctly unhelpful and not encouraging in any way...UP YOURS!!! :-)

Love to you all!

Thursday, December 27, 2001

Had to wait until the first sonogram so that we'd know everything is ok, but now that we have we want everyone to know! Click the link on the right to see the sonogram shots!

Friday, December 21, 2001

Spirit of the Day

I remember the clean smell
A sense of freshness in the air
Cool whisps of mystery
Soothing my palatte with a subtle taste
Swirling a chill into my warm lungs
The tounge of a young boy just yearning its kiss
A compulsion irresistable and bliss
And sensation...cold and crumbly
Soft and brittle all at once
Glowing fantasy in all its states
Morphing millisecond by millisecond
Until dissolved and gone
Leaving my rosey features behind
Flushed cheeks and red lips

How I miss the snow
The taste of childhood
The sound of peace
The texture of happiness
The now is void but even that is good to my old eyes
But oh the memories more pleasing than my days
Blinked at through my minds eye
Tempered with the sense of youth
And anticipation
And innocent delight..


Love to you all

Thursday, December 20, 2001

Skye: There could never be hard feelings. If anything I'm still trying to make up for the 11th grade ;-)

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Okay, I admit it. I was a whiney little bitch looking for a little attention. Well I got it now (Thanks Chyna, UIM, Ghost [in a nice and stealthy way] and Logi!!!) :-P

I'm sorry guys, I guess the stress is getting to me and my insecurities got the better of me. In any case the reasons for my stress (not all stress is bad, but sometimes it feels like it.) will come out soon enough, some of which is due to the fact that our house, which construction was to begin on in Dec. has now been pushed back to the middle of February GRRR.. And I had to go for a P.E.T. scan which means IV's, radioactive crap jammed into me and then getting stuffed into the equivilent of a tooth-paste tube for 40 minutes. Also work is really busy blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch whatever whatever... There is more, but that is enough for now (Quiet UIM and CooGwah! :-D )

Anyway as you may have noticed I didn't have any new slant waiting in the wings and thus my silence. Well now that the air is clear I will continue to write what I am moved to and if I start to whine that the would is ignoring me again, feel free to tell me to pipe down. Trust me, it's okay. When I act like a bitch I need to be treated like one ;-)

Smithkid, Boogie: Condolences on your loss and as much as possible congrats on your new job. Sad to see to going so far away, but very happy to see your joy at the prospects.

Coogwah and UIM: HAPPY 6TH! YAYAYAY! Feel better soon! Tell UIM to simply explain to his boss that he was trying to tele-conference and just got confused and took the directions too literally when if said "Interact with coworkers through your monitor..."

Logi: I am thinkin and praying for ya big time. I hope that operation doesn't hurt your voice, not that it'll keep me from singing with you again anyway! :-)

Tempest: I hope you didn't crack like an egg. Please blog soon, we're thinkin about you.

Ghost: No one seems to have had to live the lyric 'what a long strange trip its been' more than you. I hope your lifes adventures lead you to amazing places.

Ally: Your not a mean wife, just caught in the ultimate dilhema: 'Be a slave to reality and toil away your time or Lose yourself in short term satisfaction and run to pick up the pieces later' Just different philosophies of life but us guys prefer the 'do it later' approach. Mostly because if push came to shove, we actually would give an upwrapped gift to someone with a lamo excuse why and have it done with. :-) "Nature rule Danielsan, not mine"

EvilG: You're not finished Mr. Get your ass back to that keyboard and start typing more of that wacked out crap! And fix that Mailto link!

Skye and Rhino: Hope things work out on the job front soon. Actually Skye, I might have a really good 1-day gig comming up if you're interested. VERY good $$ I'll call you soon! Oh and Dude, what do I have to do to get a link on your page? ASK??? :-)

Sparks: I love you so much. Thank you for the best 6 weeks of being married ever!!!

Happa: Reality is a liar, you are a good 10 years younger than time is willing to admit!

As always...

Monday, December 17, 2001

Since, the feedback desk has been a swirling, barren valley of dust and tumbleweeds, I figure a change of venue is in order. Stay tuned to this station for a new slant which will hopefully be more interesting to the masses! :-D

Sunday, December 16, 2001


Friday, December 14, 2001

On Feeling, To The Clot

The strangeness of my life is paralleled only by the confusion I feel when confronted with loving myself.
My heart can burn and bleed and sing and swoon
And I observe it as if looking to the sky, at a cloud or a rainbow
Never connecting with the notion that I AM that sky and that rainbow
When my friends tell their tales
I feel for them, warmly, lovingly, naturally
And still if fumble with my own heart like pebbles pushed curiously by a child with a stick
What do I deserve?
What must I endure?
What do I have the right to demand?
Where is the line between health and pride?
Who's opinions are so strong they mute my own?
Do others feel this way?
I think they must, but that is an assumption and therefor arrogance and the circle spins again...
I have learned much though
Found love and a partner and happiness
But that is still only pretty decoration on the earth of my body
The questions remain, just stilled in her presence...
I know the answer, an answer, my answer, maybe yours, maybe not:
I feel what I need to feel and when I stop, that is when I am done.
I say what I need to say and when I stop, that is when I am done.
I greive what I need to greive for as long as I need to.
When I stop I am done.
That is what I do when I am healthy
When I feel more or less for longer or more breifly
I am a lie and unhealthy and lost.
Knowing this truth is what gets me trough to happienss
Insisting upon it makes me love myself
Living it allows others to love me.

Then inevitably, my advice, feel free to ignore it,
it is my truth, but you are welcome to it

Don't allow others to silence you,
They don't do it because they are evil,
They do it because they do not know what you need,
And they cannot, at that moment, understand
But they love you and when you love yourself and heal yourself
Even at the cost of their approval
They will see later and understand
And if not, you have lost nothing and they have gained nothing,
But you are left healthy and whole...

All my love...

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

Happa: You know it's funny. I actually get a kick out of the whole shopping for Tampons, (or in our case Maxi Pads) thing. There is no better way to turn the tables on a woman than to put on a thick Italian accent and yell down the aisle "Yo, honey, you need some wings? They got the heavy duty like you use (pronounced yoooose)?" Then I put on my Mr. Miagi voice and start asking her if she'd like to be instructed in the aincent art of Dou-che (Ala Tai-Chi). Come on guys, step up and have some fun with this!

Logi: I know it's a rediculous change of gears, but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I hope you find peace soon. It is so healthy to hurt and cry and there is nothing wrong with grief. Whether it's a dog or a person, love is love and makes no distinction in the heart.

UIM: Dude, that was some funny sh!t man :-)

Saturday, December 08, 2001

Just want to jump on quick and thank Logi and Ghost for a GREAT time at Cousin Vinnie's Friday night. Nothing beats good times with good people! :-)

Thursday, December 06, 2001

Logi, I truly sympathize with what you are saying, but I hope you know, that even from accross the web I can tell you are a better, more valuable and complete person than you are giving yourself credit for. I hope you know that too...
With Eyes to See
A short by Wry Guy

I was walking to free my mind from burdens of the day, but I could never seem to walk faster than my mind. There are some things that you simply cannot escape.
The thinking, more than the walking, made me suddenly fatigued, so I decided to respite on a bench nearby and try to sort out the loud white noise that had become my thoughts.
Uknown minutes past when I slowly become aware of an elderly man staring at me from accross the path. Maybe not 'at' me, more 'into' me, and I sudenly got an uncomfortable chill.
Leaning on his cane, he smiles disarmingly and my discomfort and fear turn to strange curiosity.
He approaches and speaks kindly, softly...
"Hello friend, I apologize for my rudeness, but do you mind if I share your bench and a few words?"
Not my usual manner, but I smile, my expression hopeful, "sure" my sole utterance.
"You seem weary friend and in a way all too familiar to me. I will not ask you the reasons or details, but there is a story I could share that might soothe your mind"
Again, unable to unlock from his gaze, I mutter "sure" as I become dimly aware of the persistant grin I am wearing, a grin that I can neither fathom nor dispel.
"There was a boy" he said, "A passionate and deeply feeling child, with a gift for perception" He looked up to the sky, finally releasing me from his gaze "But he was also quiet, private even. It was just his way, simple and plain. That didn't stop him from being constantly frustrated by it though" His seemed to mirror that frustration for a moment, lost in thought. I wanted to ask him why, but before I could find any words, his thoughtful look became soft again and he continued. "People always saw less than was there, they would not believe in anything they didn't see and he wasn't someone who would broadcast his feelings. He would try to speak his mind, but it always wound up falling flat, even...too even for some, cold to others."
"Why didn't he try and change?" I sputtered, words falling from my lips almost as if they appeared on their own and dribbled down my chin.
"Funny thing about change" He said, now intimately pensive. "It sounds like a fine idea on the surface and can be at times too, but this boy knew his true self and any 'change' would just be covering that up and that's not really change at all. That to him would be mostly lying." He paused at that trying to find the words he wanted, then going on. "He was smart, but he also speant a lot of time upset at who he was. Naggingly and unwaveringly, he felt broken in some crucial and unfair way"
I only nodded, I wasn't sure where he ws going, but I started to suspect his purpose. The man read me to the core. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to go there, but I couldn't help listening intently.
"One day he was sitting outside by himself and a young girl sat down beside him, pretty little thing too" Now he started to smile. "She turned toward him, but he kept his nose firmly in his jounal, doubtlessly awaiting whatever inevitable teasing or taunting was about to follow. 'You're an egg' she said intently 'Huh?' his head popping out of the book he was reading, not sure whether he was being insulted or not. 'You're an egg.' he now saw she was smiling, but it was a good smile 'On the outside you seem the same all the time, but on the inside all kinds of great things are going on, I know, I can tell.' He looked at her, into her eyes, and there was such sincerity in them, such an admiration, that he instantly liked what she said. 'You think so?' he muttered, hopefully. 'sure' she quipped, 'A lot of people are like the sun, all their business on the outside for the world to see and that's fine for them, for me too, but an egg, like you, now that's like a treasure chest because it's so thrilling to find one for yourself' a very proud look appeared on her face 'and I found you, so don't try to get away!' well I got so happy I could pop. I tell you I was wearing a goofier smile than ever the world did see." He smiled whistfully "Lasted all day too. We spoke much more, but I am afraid those talks are none of your business" He said as he winked at me.
Finally admitting, that it was himself he spoke of all along.
"What happened to her?"
"My wife?" He glowed for the split of a moment, then a shadow passed over him and in a moment began to drift away as well. "She passed some months ago, wounded my heart terribly. Suddenly I was alone and I started feeling like that broken little boy again. I was out walking to do some soul searching, but mostly just wished we were still together. Then I saw you sitting there and that look was so familiar. I smiled in spite of myself and realized that I just had to get these feeling out, to share them, to speak and then I smiled again, you saw that one I think. Then I realized I had changed, I wasn't that little boy anymore. I had a lifetime of love and understanding and part of her is part of me and well maybe now I LIKE to ramble to strangers. I guess my point is, a person like that will find you too. Just BE and she will. Trust me. Then you can wander around a park in your old age and act like a lunatic to strangers." He smiled warmly. My mind noted the depth of the humility in that smile, but my head would not catch up until later, when what happened next would be easier to understand. I sprung up and hugged the man spontaneously, shocked and surprised at myself, but happy all the same. "I guess being an egg can be pretty nice" I said, falling back from my own impromptu embrace. "If you've got eyes to see it." If he had a hat I'm sure he would have tipped it just then. "Hope things improve for you soon, thanks for taking the time to listen to an old man." With that he smiled and was abruptly off. I wanted to call him back, but there were no words for me to speak. He disapeared around a a bend and was gone.
After that day (and you can laugh if you want to) I developed a kind of wisdom about myself, for want of a better word. People still didn't see me and impasses were still reached, often, but they hurt less, were easier to handle and were easier to understand without feeling responsible, or bad, or broken. As far as whether my true love ever did find me? I guess you'll just have to save up and by the book :-)

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Happa, as a person who's car was hit thrice while parked, I offer you the following advice and this advice can seem good or bad depending on your point of view, but it has served me well. "Expect the worst from 'people' while expecting the best of each person you meet." or as my lovely wife put it "I love humanity, but I hate people". Okay, so not the best advice in the world but really it boils down to how you deal with the things in life you either have some control over or none at all. You meet a person on the street, you can control that interaction, how far it goes and how close you get to that other person. A guy thows a rock through your window and runs away, there ain't nuthin you can do about it, except go crazy trying to find a way to control the world and ensure that can't appen again.

I usually try to create some kind of scenario in my head where I can feel sorry for the phantom person, like someone was violently ill and they had to rush to the hospital, not even realizing what they'd done. Now I am mentally in a happy place and free to then spiritually clense myself and pretend their testicals have rotted off. Then the smile on my face only widens...

Smithkid: Nothing but positive thoughts and well-wishes your way...

Now for today's creativity, and if I can be so bold to ask for feedback, because even a "that sucked and it depressed me" is better than silence (childhood issues I'm afraid, sorry, but there it is...)

The Water-Wheel

Worn, withered and warped, I turn in an uneasy dance I've learned over the years
A creak and a bend as my blades strain and move to relieve the perpetually replenishing load
I am strong and sure beneath my face and I hold true to my promise for life
But the water flowing is not my own
It's final destination, not within me
Reduced to the quick, all that I am is this:
I do 'something' with 'something', a bump in the journey of someone, something else
Never my own creation
I take comfort in a job well done, as best I can
Carrying out my function with expertise and care

But I never stop wishing I could be the source
That I could put the cycle to rest, should I choose

I never stop wishing my station was, could be, something more than it is
That it could be something more than just this...Turn, paddle, drop, repeat.....

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Best wishes and fortunte to you Happa, I wish for your health and success.

Irony of the day: I don't know how the recent poetry sounds, but I am feeling really great lately!

Hope to see you all on Fri. at CV's!

Perched, precariously yet persistanty
on a line of my own perception.
Swaying between horrific worlds of my own design
Too uncertain to cross into the black I have yet to imagine
Paralyzed into passiveness
Balancing, as my pounding heart commands
Terrified of droping,
Falling beyond my fear, my anxiety
Falling into the mouth of primal truth
Forced to see, as a child, made to gaze beneath a dusty bed at midnight
Forced to the left or the right
Or straight down
In the real
The bottomless...
Logi, no one can know your pain and loss. Hopefully you can know our caring and support. Bless you and yours, our hearts go with you.

Monday, December 03, 2001

Hello everyone. Hope you all had a good weekend.
There is some potentially big news on the horizon, but I won't know for sure for a week or two, so I defer elaborating until I have more info :-)

Anyway, I am feeling the karaoke itch and I think I will make the trip out to Cousin Vinnies this Friday. I hope many of you can be there!

The Walk

I'm still, but the ground moves for me
Absolute freedom in motion unending
Forbidden only from the taste of stillness.

Days ebb and flow, renewed and dying from each repeated birth
Choices, decisions, paths, again and again
Words that form and fail or fly to the future....the the past.
Sights seen in sleep or wakefulness or the roiling darkness in between.

Something always waiting, doing, moving, changing, a walk I cannot stop


Existence has one definining quality
It is always 'happening'
from that there is no freedom, no choice, no change
Not even when eyes can no longer find the pieces
Not even when the life is forgotten
At best the world can just pretend
Tell its little secrets and believe them
'They're at peace now, at an end'
It's a comforting thought, but a beautiful lie.

There is no end, only change within the movement
A step in a new direction
A trip from a different place
A walk that never loops, but a walk that never ends...