Friday, August 31, 2001

Poor UIM, I hope you get some rest soon. I try not to complain much about my job because I always see how much worse you have it sometimes. It doesn't always sink in, just how many hours and days you work. I really respect how much you do and wish for a better time for you in future.


Thursday, August 30, 2001

To NightSkye: I hadn't checked the guestbook on my wedding page for over 3 months now. I checked it today. Thank you so much for what you wrote. It's very appreciated, if not 3+ months overdue...
I was reading Ghost this morning. What morning would be complete without reading Ghost and inevitably wondering what to acknowledge, appreciate, argue or ignore (incidentally that's why I love reading his blog) and while thinking about which I felt today, I happened upon Chynakatt's blog. I so feel for her, I really do. That pain stings so much, especially because we CHOOSE our friends. they are good people that we love and want in our lives and when they hurt or abandon us that pain is multiplied.

I know how much that can suck, not just because it's been done to me, but in all honesty it is something I've done in the past. I'm not proud of it, but whenever I read about people behaving in that way, not realizing quite how valuable and important their friends (which are more family than family sometimes) are, I am instantly reminded of my youth (up to age 25 or so actually...) and how the desire to 'earn' someone's love and not loose them, led me to forsake all my friends and caused me to act in ways I choice... Not the kind of choice where you sit down and independantly decide "is this what I want to do", the kind of choice where a girlfriend would insist on "how it's gotta be for her to be happy" and jumping on it to prove that she is more important that anyone else and that I really care. After that you mentally sign on or go crazy and the tragedy is complete. Now I know (after my last failed relationship and 2 years of not dating taught me this) that no one can dictate what I believe in or want but me and a true mate wants to love and respect me and my feelings and will receive the same in return. Oh, I knew that before, in my brain, but somehow you give youself excuses, you rationalize that this isn't whats happening 'this time'. Well let's call a spade a spade I gave MYSELF excuses, it hurts less to assume others do the same and that's largely a fiction.

Women AND men have continually used sex and love to control ralationships and feel safe and I think deep down, partners resent that. I think that is why so many people cheat and why so many relationships/marriages fail. I for one can say that this is definitely the only..ONLY...relationship I have ever had where the physical attraction has unerringly increased every day we've known eachother. I guess that is because sex is now truly an expression of love and never a manipulation, obligation or dissapointment. Never, because there are no more requirements or goals, no necessary objectives, just enjoyment of eachothers touch and company. Anyone fighting back the urge to vomit may now leave the room, I'm done...

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

Rhinogirl, Sparks has be having exactly those dreams. Usually it's forgetting to send invitations or her dress is the wrong color or she gets to the alter and it's not me (Yes in the dream this is upsetting to her :-P )...

I have started having odd ones myself, only the unsettling male variety though. I dreamed last night that I was in the hall setting up for dinner the night of the wedding (this obviously makes no sense as it is a day wedding and I wouldn't be setting up, but my brain didn't consult me first) and I saw a roach on the floor and started barking out orders to have the whole building sprayed and cleaned out in 15 minutes, by which time I was screeming. Oh also I appeared to be an employee of the place and it had no windows either...

Although I guess that is better than the nerves waking me up at 2am every night like last week... Is Skye having any nervous issues or is it just me? It's probably worse for you guys as you have a week less than we do, but I think at this point there is simply plenty of anxiety to go around....

Rhinogirl, Sparks has be having exactly those dreams. Usually it's forgetting to send invitations or her dress is the wrong color or she gets to the alter and it's not me (Yes in the dream this is upsetting to her :-P )...

I have started having odd ones myself, only the unsettling male variety though. I dreamed last night that I was in the hall setting up for dinner the night of the wedding (this obviously makes no sense as it is a day wedding and I wouldn't be setting up, but my brain didn't consult me first) and I saw a roach on the floor and started barking out orders to have the whole building sprayed and cleaned out in 15 minutes, by which time I was screeming. Oh also I appeared to be an employee of the place and it had no windows either...

Although I guess that is better than the nerves waking me up at 2am every night like last week... Is Skye having any nervous issues or is it just me? It's probably worse for you guys as you have a week less than we do, but I think at this point there is simply plenty of anxiety to go around....

When an Intelligent man realizes that he had not the wisdom to keep from being goaded into an argument for the fun of it, is it possible for that realization to be wisdom or had intelligence sorted through all of the permutations of possibilities and reached a logical result? Is that really what wisdom is? The ability to logically reason possibilities that do not yet exist or is wosdom instead the ability to go into a conversation with a plan already in hand empowering you as the manipulator and benefactor of the turmoil to follow? The wise man is already at peace because he has already seen the path before him and invites others to walk his road, not straying from it himself.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Yesterday was one of the most stressful days of my life. Basically it went like this:
Went to get blood test (cancer related). Had to wait 2 weeks because the doctor subsequently went on vacation. Finally got the results and they were partly obscure, bordering on potentially not good. (Sound indecisive, yea, I know that's what's so damn frustrating about it.). The doctor then starts to hint that yet ANOTHER radiation treatment MIGHT be something to THINK ABOUT in the future. Not that there is any reason to think that a 3rd dose will do something that the 1st or 2nd weren't able to but hey that's procedure. Fuck them... So fine. Next I call to confirm my appointment at the fertility clinic that night (need to make sure that my guys are all swimmin 10 months after the radiation). Some guy who is not the receptionist and probably should never have answered the phone picks up and when I tell him I am on my way for my 6PM appointment he says "Oh, wait I think they may need to rescedule you" at which point I exploded. No because it is horrendous to have an appointment resceduled but because it was to be my 3rd visit to this doctor and the first appointment was changed the day of so they could have their office party early and the second never happened because I called to say I was running 10 minutes late and they simply cancelled me on the spot. 10 MINUTES!!!! Okay so you know they are assholes. So needless to say I lose it. After about 10 minutes of laying into this guy the "real" receptionist comes on the phone to tell me there was no change, he was just confused. Check your facts people! Don't fuck with people with no knowledge of what you are saying. Okay so fine, I leave to go to Penn Station so I can catch a train to Great Next where the office is. Now when I leave at 4:30 it is POURING!!! So I decide to take a cab to the doc from the station and call Sparks to tell her not to meet me at the office from Holtsville because its a 90 minute drive and the weather is terrible. Now I am on the train and all is well, in fact Great Neck is the next stop and we're running a little early. Then when we are nearly at the station we stop. minutes go by...3-4-5-6-7 "Attention Passengers, because of signal problems, trains are being held at Great Neck to be processed manually, we have about 4 trains ahead of us. We will be proceeding to the station as soon as those trains are cleared." I would have gotten to the station at it was 5:40...then 5:45 then 5:50...Another announcement. So I call the doctor and explain the situation, hoping he might this time be compassionate enough to wait a few extra minutes. They inform me that if I cannot be there in the next 15 minures they are going to cancel me again. I am about to cry. I have been beaten. At 5:55 I call them trying to say I have to cancel but not actually being able to get the words out because I am so upset. It took a month to get this appointment.... Then suddenly the train begins to move! It is 5:57 and I BEG them to wait, I'm 5-10 minutes away. "I am at the platform now! Yes really, no I am not just moving again I am AT the platform!!!" so they decide to wait a "Few Minutes" for me. I RUN to a cab. I beg him to just go. He waits for any other passengers. There is a woman in the cab already. I explain the situation and beg her to let me go first. She agrees VERY graciously and that is the only reason I got there in time. I arrived at 6:05 and the woman behind the counter LITERALLY puffed, made a tired face and said "all right....go inside..." Bitch. So I finally provide the needed samples and all is pretty much fine. I am still healing but I am above average accross the board so I am healthy. I let him know I am happy because I am getting married in November and we want to start trying to have children right away. He then informs me that I really should wait at least a year before trying (A year would be December 23) and that this is the guideline but he likes to tack on a little more and likes to say a year and a half. So I look at him and say, "So what you are saying is that my sperm is healthy, I could safely start trying after a year but you reccomend a year and a half because you like to 'tack on' some time." at which he smiles and says yes. At which point I silently tell him to go fuck himself, it's bad enough Sparks and I must wait till new years... Then I get the bill for his 15 minutes of work, $500.00+ I guess he told me to fuck myself too... of course insurance doesn't cover this kind of things... fucker...

Well eventually I got my friends from Huntington to pick me up and met up with Sparks there so finally the day got a little better. Some more little thrills and adventures, but all either good or not significant enough to care about. I'm tired of writing. This and all the wedding/house/shower/medical stuff going on continually has really hit me today. I am so sad and worn out, thank God Sparks is in my life, her love and support are virtually all I have to live on sometimes, that and the support of my friends.....

If you've made it this far, thanks so much for listening.


Friday, August 24, 2001

'This space reserved for a witty opening that distinctly identifies this post as uniquely my own and not a rehash of what I've seen and enjoyed in other blogs'
- Editors note: This is not to insinuate that others have done this, simply that this blog does not intend to do such at this time.

I have now deleted what I began to write twice (this being the third attempt) and am disgusted at how much work this is proving to be. Had I a lemming, I'd send it on a short walk off the end of my cube.

Of course it's my own damn fault for being so riddled with both obvious topics of interest and a strangely persistant indifference. I mean let's see, Women in sports? I love that they play and I love that they don't bitch that I don't watch them. I don't watch, not because I am a man and men like men sports, woof woof woof "The best of the best of the best..SIR!" But more because as a man I am more familiar with men in general, more disgusted with men, especially the adrenaline riddled jock variety and am more able to enjoy and look forward to their potential for violence and injury inflicted upon eachother. In short, I like to watch men attack eachother because hey, they deserve it.
Now figure-skating I watch everyone because I consider that more art. Of course, I only like singles skating, couples is too dangerous and usually has the man basically comming within an inch or so of repeatedly slamming his partners head on the ice or dropping her or throwing her or whatever...
Non-English Speaking people? Talk to me when this nation grows enough balls to make US-English the national language. Until our goverment does that I say speak whatever the hell you want.

there was more, but it's getting late and I have to get back to work.

Oh yea, Sparks, thank you again for being so wonderful and I am so grateful for what I get to learn, share and experience with you.

I have now beem reading GOATS for 3 days straight... Here's today's favorite!

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

Oooooooooooooooooooh! Yea, I guess I should have read the caption below the comic...damn. Thanks UIM!
Someone PLEASE explain what the hell the joke is here? I am totally missing it... Oh and thanks to SKYE because of whom I have been looking through ALL the GOATS strips from 1997+ out of curiosity.
I 'really read' Chynakatt's blog today and was so impressed with her depth and the things she said. I have read it before, but maybe today I read with a little more attention. I'm glad I did. The best people are the most diverse and complex and you (I) really have to listen well to appreciate them. Developing that skill continues to be an asset (See UIM).
I just want to open with a few messages to people whose lives I have been touched by (get your hankees out!):

Tempest, I so sympathize with you, even if my only experience with a workplace like yours was my two-week stint with Home Depot (I've been banned from working at any home depot for the last 7 years...). Well actually I have another, it was the year I worked for AHRC providing respite care for older mentally and phyically disabled people. I loved that job more than anything else and I was in college at the time doing all kind sof things. I was running the college newspaper, performing in theatre on and off campus and hanging out with friends. But at work they needed me, those were my "boys" my "guys" and I took care of them. I cooked, bathed and dressed them and took them bowling and to the movies. Now these were guys in the 35-70+yr old categories, but they were my boys and I loved them. The problem was my co-workers. They were short tempered and mean. They had no patience and obviously were working there for the pay check only (and they pay crap). I kept trying to do everything myself, so they would leave the poor guys alone. So they wouldn't yell at them and upset them and so they'd stop bitching and complaining. The strain of it broke me down more than once and believe me, there is NOTHING you can do about it. It's hard enough to get people to work these jobs, getting rid of them is even harder. On top of that, the psychologists kept changing a lot of the guys meds without really acknowledging their condition. One guy would be switched off his meds to new ones and would develop many problems and they wouldn't change them back or to something else. Other times they would switch to a new med and show vast improvement and be switched back for no discernable reason. It was worse because their guardians would keep asking why they couldn't keep the helpful meds and usually it boiled down to the Doc either didn't really care, never speant any real time evaluating the patient, ignored the progress reports or seemingly opted for the less expensive med in spite of whether the caregivers were willing to provide it. I could go on, but I think I am already liable for slander. Hopefully no one is still working there from back in 92... Anyway, I realized that nothing has real value for me if I am not happy and no matter what that means I have to be true to it. I hope the path of your life resolves to the same conclusion and you are able to create that truth for yourself soon.

UIM is someone I have always related to deeply and not always in the most conscious way, Not having his literary knowledge, and being aware of how very intelligent people are very good at burying and hiding their feelings behind confusing webs of misdirecting trivia and muse (I may not be the king, but very likely high in line to the throne in this one) I had to develop the ability to feel rather than simply listen to really be able to hear him and I am a better person for it. I consider the experience of knowing UIM almost profound because the deepest parts of that friendship are things that are rarely ever clearly spoken, but always communicated.

I continually am compelled to say just how excited and thrilled I am for Ghost. Not because anything is definite for him or forever or that his whole life is now together and perfect, but just that I appreciate the thrilling high he is going through and that I identify with and am very gripped by his recent experiences. The fact that I am hoping constantly that he gets to ride that high for a long time is without question.

I also want to thank Nightskye for really being available as a friend and for being there when I needed help Friday night. Also I appreciate his continual understanding when I can't always keep my plans. Rhinogirl, thanks for being so helpful and for marrying that man. After not seeing him for years it was great to be pleasantly suprised by both the person he's grown to be and the person he's chosen to speand his life with. Just in case you are wondering how I come to that conclusion, the short version is tied to my past life of reading Tarot and Auras (don't ask) and anyway, I tend to get a lot of impressions from even very brief corrospondance and I have learned to trust that perception.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

All I have to say is that I am SOOOOOO happy for Ghost! I don't really have a lot of reasons to explain it, but hearing him so happy and feeling all the emotions he shares so well in his writing, I just melted and felt like I could share his excitent, if only for a moment.

I'm crossing about every mobile part of me for luck..OUCH...some things are not meant to be crossed...

Thursday, August 16, 2001

SKYE is a real worthwhile read today.
To add my two cents though, I think the main things that keep friends together is Respect and Loyalty. People who respect eachother and stand together are usually great friends. It's odd to me that such a simple equation can be so elusive in the world...

People like myself who always feel on the fringe of a solid group of friends especially notice and appreciate this I think. I feel lucky because sometimes I can just sit back and admire those things, they are obvious and truly special to anyone wiuth eyes to see them. Thanks for sharing guys...

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

One Feeling

Sagging metalic arms drape loosely
A mishapen bundle in their fingers
Hanging in its arbitrary perch
As a gentle breeze begins to whisper.
Chains sway, speaking muted clinks and clanks
Like a grumbling old man.
The package slides a slippery inch
Then holding again
Until the gossiping air breaths again
With a secret that holds it's fate...

Ever get the feeling like you are speaking out loud in an empty room with the lights out? You think people are there, but all you ever hear is the echo of your own voice on invisible walls and you have to wonder...

You begin to wonder if people have gone elsewhere or if they have just lost interest with your room...

Creepy thoughts are contagious...
I used to feel a lot more like Tempest and Purge. I think that having to face about 5 guys a day asking for money changed my mindset a bit. After all, I can't give to all of them every day and that means I have to pick and choose how often to give and eventually which guys to give to. Then I eventually started wondering "Well, do I rotate which guys which week?" It just get's more complicated from there. Then I wind up giving to the ones I "Like" and then hipocrisy really starts to seep in. Eventually it becomes too stressfull and from then on it becomes what it is now for me - Only if the feeling strikes me that I should. Otherwise I pass them by, out of necessessity. When I do give now, I understand that it is really to make myself feel good and if they benefit, so much the better, but that is not really the reason. Using that as a reason leaves me open to dissapointment, doing it to please myself, saves me from the anger of getting cheated or taken advantage of.

Does this sound cold?

Tuesday, August 14, 2001

Okay, SKYE raised the topic of the homeless and a few years ago I would have strong but uninformed views on them, but now that I have been working in Manhattan for a few years and I know many of them practically by first name, I feel it important to share my views:

In the spirit that he presents it, I totally agree with SKYE. If a person is capable of walking and begging they should work. Maybe the government should start walking the streets daily and collecting income tax from these guys? Take it right out of the damn cup, then maybe they'll say "the hell with it, if I gotta pay tax anyway..." They could even hire ex-beggars for the job!!!

I personally hate the "Family" Beggars. You have to see these guys to appreciate it. Perfectly healthy Man and Woman, maybe in their 30's. One alone on one corner and another with a baby in her arms at a different corner. You pass him first and then her. She is virtually pleading for help. You feel terrible. I gave her $20. Then I saw them again the next week. Then I left at a different time and they were there again. Then I went home a different way and lo and behold they had moved. They have been doing this for over 7 months now at various locations! Nothing disgusts me more than using a little baby as a begging tool. I hate them.

The one's who do make me ad though are the elderly. The 60+ yr olds who look so bad it hurts. They may have had a family and home at one time or maybe they have been homeless for years and years and never got a job or a place to live, but then I think, even if they did, those menial jobs would be done by now and there is no real retirement or pension for guys with those kind of jobs. Don't tell me about Social Security and Meals on wheels. Poeple should be allowed to maintain their standard of living in the declining years not just find a way to live. I think of my own grandparents who worked hard all their lives and still if it wasn't for my parents sharing their home with them, they would be struggling terribly. What about elderly with no living children or who have lost or never had a spouse. I just can't fault or blame those people. Socialism starts to look really good at times like that.

Solution Part A:

Maybe big business could take care of the homeless instead of paying taxes (which they usually get exempted from anyway). If you got Pepsi, Marlboro, Mcdonalds, Microsoft, Quaker and a bunch of other companies to donate a billion dollars a piece (don't kid yourself they can do it) and the government stopped taxing the elderly completely, they'd be able to live a decent life. Maybe every time someone won $10 million in court for spilling coffee in their laps the elderly could get a cut too. Then it wouldn't be so upsetting when that crap happened either. Then Social Security and Medicare would be there to pick up the slack.

Solution Part B:

Now you take the rest of the homeless and put them to work. Give them employment for one year and allow them to live in temporary, government owned, apartments with food services providing for their needs. No cash or food stamps that could be traded for drugs or alcohol. These apartments would be video monitored to ensure proper conditions. During that year they would receive training and have a small salary which would be held in trust until the year was over. At the year end, the family would have job placement and guaranteed a job. The cash could be used for a downpayment on the lodging of their choice and to help them get started. There would be no welfare. If a family lost their home more than twice for anything other than legitamate health reasons, any minors would be removed from the household and put in foster care. the parents would only be allowed visitation when employed and would not be able to regain custody until proving at least one years continuous employemnt for each year the government had to suppor them.

All people going through this program would be charged a flat tax of 10-20% (escalating 2% per year) for 5 years so they could build a stable home. this would only apply to families making below a certain amount so the system could not be manipulated by the wealthy. This system would also not be available to anyone who had enough assets to support themselves for the same reason, although if they wanted to spend all their mony frivelessly and then enter the program they probably could but at least they'd be helping the commercial market.

My piece...

I already had my rant on Stem Cell research, but check GHOST tomorrow on what should be a more pointed opinion.
I would definitely read GHOST today if you haven't already. It's an eventual pisser.

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to CooGwuh!

More to come...

Monday, August 13, 2001

Hmmm That tatoo idea isn't half bad...
No matter what, you have to admire GHOST for what he is able to share sometimes as well as how. It's this side that reinforces just how valuable a person he is. I am no longer as familiar or comfortable with what I call 'confrontational writing' as I was in college, and exchanging such with Ghost has been intertesting, but seeing it balanced with the undelying emotion and humanity he has, enables the level of respect I feel towards the man to be truly substantial.
Nothing but appreciation for that.

They played HAROLD AND MAUDE this weekend on Showtime. What a great movie, I love it more every time I see it.

I hope you guys are going to Karaoke this week, I plan to be there with my Fiancee and a single cute female friend for you guys who might be interested...

Well, we booked the place where the rehearsal dinner will be, bought the 450 stamps that will be needed to send the ~150 wedding invitations out, and pretty much finished finding first names of people (mostly wives, relatives or the co-worker spouses) to print on the inner invitations, so it was a pretty productive weekend. Now if we could only agree upon a freaking favor. Let me tell you this darn thing is turning out to be the hardest decision of all. Who wants to give out a useless or pointless favor? These are the things I am sure we are going to wonder later why we put so much work into...

Friday, August 10, 2001

Nightsky made the best point yet. Not necessarily because I think it's boring, but maybe it's better to dicuss and drill into the topics of conversation themselves rather than picking apart how people choose to express their opinions about them. Cut me a slice of that. I'll eat it. Thanks
This is absolute crap, but Rhinogirl's blog put the thought it my head and I can't shut it up. Then I went on the net and found the origional lyrics and well, here's the final damage (you were warned).

Isn't it rich?
Ain't life unfair?
Padme' now far from Naboo,
With her senate career.
Where are the clones?

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
Kicked federation asses around,
Cut Darth Maul in two.
Where are the clones?
There ought to be clones.

Just when it stopped
And we arrested those whores,
finally knowing
They had empire support, <= this whole verse bites ass, but the song bites ass here too so...
Making an entrance again,
with their usual flair,
Sure of their lines,
now we must prepare.

Don't you love the force?
My fault, I fear.
I thought Anakin was the saviour we sought -
sorry, my dear.
But where are the clones?
Send in the clones.
Don't bother, they're here!

Ain't Palpatine a bitch?
Love to beat his old wrinkled rear?
Losing his marbles this late
in his career.
But where are the clones?
There ought to be clones.
Well, maybe next year...(or 2003 now...)

Metrocake, I hope your eyes get better and best wishes for school!

Ghost, I was hoping you'd address the comments rather than just complaining about the particular metaphore I used. But then again your response kind of address what I said just as well. I will also be sure to more properly abide by the Ghost book of Blogging rules and ediquette. I don't belive taking into account potential misinterpretations and making efforts to be as clear as possible = not having balls, but knowing that is how you feel I have called up Sears and put a new pair on order.They should be here on Monday. I ordered them with special handling :-)

Still, for someone I've met only once in person, (and for just a few minutes at that) the fact that I am so interested in what he has to say is pretty interesting. To use his terminology for a moment "Kudos(TM) for being so controversial".

Tempest, Nothing but positive thoughts for you and yours. Ahhh magic, I finally had to sell the bulk of my collection (about 4,000 cards) on ebay a month or so ago. I thought nobody played anymore :-) Of course I did save a few... :-)

I've realized that the one thing more stressful than planning a wedding is trying to help the brides friends coordinate a shower. Talking to people and having to remember not to mention any part of those conversations is WAY difficult. Especially since it is exactly contrary to the norm of our relationship. I will be happy once this part is done. I would write more, but you know who might read this :-P

I think the problem with my Blog is I never tried to define it in any way. Is it a journal? a rant? a creative outlet? a chat sheet? nope, more of a hodge-podge of a bunch of stuff and that's the way I like it. Maybe "hodge-podge" is the definition. Hmmm... Time to change the template...

Thursday, August 09, 2001

B is for the Blogger that I'm writing
L is for the loss of failed posts
O is for opinions we are that we're forever spinning
G is for the grammer that I use... SHUT UP!
G is for the gathering of spirits
E is for the exerpts that we quote
R is for reactions that break us into factions
oh Blogger's down again...NOW THAT'S JUST RUDE!

Yea well they ain't all picassos... (And if you don't like it then UP YOURS HIPPIE!)
HAHAHAHAHA I have to say Rhinogirl is funny two-fold. 1st because what she literally said and second because even though I was laughing I realized my mouth was hanging open because the joke hadn't registered on all my cyllanders right away. The image of myself chuckling while mouth-agape and looking confused is really hysterical!

I am so happy SKYE found her, they are such a great compliment to eachother!


We'll start slow...

First I want people to know that the things I wrote yesterday were not in any way intended as a rubuttal of/to anyone. It was simply a recounting of my personal feelings and beliefs, honestly directed at no one. I cannot say as much for the following:

Please read the following knowing I am not trying to attack a person, just share what my perceptions and feelings are. Understand that I only see a little glimse of the whole person and the feelings and perceptions I have are definitely imperfect and possibly totally off, but it is what I am seeing so I am choosing to share. I do not belive this is the final truth or definite fact.

I have noticed that it sometimes seems that GHOST does not sympathize with situations he has no/limited experience with. Things like the Dog flinger for example where the emotional impact on and the relative significance of the action to the animal owner were basically lost/unaddressed and the "unfair punnishment" of the criminal was the focus, determined by what literally happened only. This is only one example but the easiest to use. I belive the ability to extend compassion and apply self humility while withholding harsh judgement is what maturity and wisdom are at their core. I am not saying I can do this all or even most of the time, only that this is the goal I believe is worth striving for. I mention this only in the hope that should GHOST agree that this sometimes happens, that knowledge may help him identify those instances and take proactive action.

I was personally very Proud of SKYE for his realization of the implications of his origional statements yesterday and subsequent retraction. I don't believe he did this to "Give in to Pressure". I may not have known him as well as many of you, but I know him well enough to belive he is not the type to just cave in to make people happy. SKYE is one of the strongest willed people I've known with more integrity than many. Even when I couldn't see eye to eye whith him in the past I respected his strength and integrity.


I think it is beyond ironic that I chose today to discuss my cousin. This was done before I read GHOST today and is as wierd a coincidence as I think there is. I have personally ripped into many people/family members for their selfish and judgemental beliefs in this area. Especially because of my expereinces. I never knew how Predjudiced and selfish some of my family members were until something actually happened to bring it out. I have never been so furious or dissapointed. I share your revulsion GHOST.

Ahhhh... so THAT'S where the name Rhinogirl comes from... Okay thanks!

In other news, I had to leave work very early yesterday because Sparks' mom was in a car accident and was taken to the hospital. Thankfully, what they thought might be a neck fracture turned out to just be arthritis. We are all grateful she is going to be okay. We can't say that much for her car, but when you are hit from the side at high speed, a sore neck a bruised leg is a relatively small price to pay...

My frustration

Yesterday I realized just how much it sucks to work so far from home. Basically, my fiance' called and told me what happened and I wanted to be at her side ASAP. I looked at the clock, 11AM, I looked at the train schedule, next train to Ronkonkoma, 11:15. I am at Water Street. If you know the area, you know that getting to a train station and getting to Penn in 15 minutes is a strategic impossibility. Next train? 12:15... It takes 1:35 to get from Penn to Ronkonkoma on the local. So basically I had to tell the person I love most in the world, who is worried to death about her mother, that it's 11am now, so I can be there around 2pm. This killed me in a million ways. Happilly, she was very comforted just by the fact that I was coming home and grateful for that. I also used my new cell phone to keep contact. (Thank God I bought that thing!).

The Worst was yet to come.

I finally get out to Ronkonkoma station and my car is blocked in on ALL SIDES! I couldn't go to her, all I could do was get a taxi home. Imagine that one guys... Luckily again, she is simply grateful that I am home and I am able to make phone calls for her to her sister in Albany and several other people whom she had appointments with that day.

What I learned

Loving or hating life sometimes is decided by how the ones you love internalize circumstances. With anyone else, my day would have been a total failure. With Sparks it was a total success and THAT is the truth I got to take with me into tomorrow...


NOTE: Read the following post with a grain of salt. I re-read SKYE'S blog and realize I took the comments in a way they weren't intended. Thanks - Management

Ouch? Exact same thing in bigger words? Yipes, I was just sharing my views buddy (meant sincerely not sarcastically), if they happened to mirror Angels I assure you it's coincidental. Honestly, this is a big issue for me and I definitely and sincerely am not interested in agreeing or disagreeing with anyone about it. I feel kind of bad, because maybe the way I speak when I am talking about these things makes me apprear to be preachy and long winded. This is because these things scare me and my first reaction and thought process is a defensive/mechanical one. Honestly, I am striving to be simple and clear and emotionally sharing, unfortunately I guess my mechanical side runs up to the controls when I get nervous.

This is a topic of much interest to me not just because of my brush, but also because of the failed attempt on behalf of my cousin when he was rejected by his whole family because of his sexuality. People are so hurtful and cruel when they don't understand or fear something and coming from your family (extended included) it hurts more than anything. I always liked my cousin, but was not very vocal or supportive of him. As I left my teens and entered my twenties (gosh I am not in my 20's anymore...) this changed markedly. I honestly love the guy and look out for him like I would my own brother.

Still the fact that he came close to dying, the fact that all the pain I felt later in life was kept in check by this humbling memory and the knowledge that no matter what I felt he had it worse and now he is so happy (loved and accepted!), made a literal difference for me when I was in a place where I was exasuted and simply didn't care about living anymore. I can tell you that is one of the reasons my cousin is so dear to me, although he has no idea.

In any event, I guess it's natural for many people to respond to topics which are close to home and I guess it does grind everything else to a halt, but it's also good to know where people stand on these issues as they define us to eachother as much as anything else.

I think SKYE is a smart, compassionate and understanding guy, I certainly bear no personal grudge on any sort, I just wanted to share more about myself and my actions and to make sure that what I wrote was definitely not a "me too".

Thanks guys,

Wednesday, August 08, 2001

I also want to actually address the topic discussed by SKYE and RHINOGIRL (Where did you get that name from?!?):

(for purposes of this conversation, the heart is really the soul and emotions are partner to and usually interchangeable with thoughts in that they are finite and human and imperfect)

I believe that there is a duality in all people. I believe that when the mind speaks in bleakness the heart prays for falsity.
By this I mean that sometimes a person thinks their life is hopeless and terribly painful.
They don't think they want to live anymore or don't belive they deserve to.
They feel unloved and unnecessary or even worthless.
They develop the need to advertise this thought because their heart pleads with them saying it's not true. It says people do love you and do care
But the mind and body will not be denied and can only be satisfied by external validation and even at that only temorarily.
So the only way to resolve this (and this isn't totally conscious) is to do something that "Could" result in death if everything the mind said were true.
The hope is that someone will come through and find you, save you, or stop you or quiet the mind fears for awhile.

Yes I do think that if you get to this point you need help.
I do think that this kind of person is too vulnerable to their own emotions and thoughts
I do believe this rises from lack of self esteem, feelings of lonliness and the inability to manage ones thoughts.
A lack of awareness of one's own soul plays a significant role as well.
Many of us have wrestled feelings like this and many of us (myself included) feel we've come very close to being there ourselves
But there was always a wall or a voice or a hope that was stronger than the pain and we listened
That is what makes us healthy
But like the body, the mind can get sick
Far less often, but it's also harder to treat,
But treat it we must
Because our lives have value
To many more than we'll every know
More than THEY will even know
Until we're gone
Then that value changes and can grow no more
That is the loss we feel.
Never able to get closer
Never able to get better
Boys and Girls, this is why death sucks
Honestly, if we could still hang out and interact with the dead, death wouldn't be such a big deal.
But I digress...
Just voted for Metrocake and I suggest you all do the same. See her site for details. :-)

Espression for the day (inspired by, but not in in any way a response to SKYE's blog today)

The Sun smiles liquid light that rains warmly upon us
We cast playful shadows in its ocean
The ground smiles in friendly thanks for the dance and short repite from monotony
That's the first lie
A pretty notion, but still a lie

The dying sun bleeds its final flames
We callusly block it's aging rays depriving those behind of it's memory
The ground lies helplessly in darkness like the corps it embodies
A bleak notion, and the second lie

The sun burns brightly unchanging in the context of our lives
Our blocking of rays is incidental and a trivial distaction to those intrigued by shadow
The ground does not suffer, save for our indifferently inflicted marks upon it.
Less exotic, less interesting, but also the third lie

Three lies...three truths...defined by choice

Some truths are not necessary
Some Lies are pretty whimsy
Some ideas are defined only by perception, not fact or flaw
The only thoughts that can never be truth
are the absolute...

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

And yes, men can retain water. The difference is we retain it in our heads so instead of feeling fat we feel more irrational... The previous statement may be a total lie, I don't care. Why? WHY DO YOU THINK!!!

What's worse is I have a powerful desire to curse up a storm and at the same time I don't feel like saying any bad words. Reconcile that you Darn fudge nocking nick nackers!!!
I just want to say that I am a grouchy little Bitch today. I am moody, irritable, tired and I think I'm retaining water...

Monday, August 06, 2001

And finally, with the new addition of Tempest, who I must say I truly feel for after reading her work related plights, my link bar is apparently full and I can add no one more. If anyone can tell me how to get past the 500 character limit I'm all ears!
I figured as much, Skye chimed in with a really funny post of his own. God I really feel like the Blog variety pages today "And on Link 11 you'll see Skye advising the masses when to go F^@% themselves in a most entertaining way!" Link 11

I don't think I have ever had so much to post about, I don't think there have ever been so many interesting things to read at one time and I can't help but wonder if Ghost is going to be accepting credit for this dramatic turnaround??? :-)
I must amend Rhinogirl is HYSTERICAL this morning! I better tape myself down because I almost fell off the other side of my chair laughing this time!
UIM, I love that Monty Python skit! Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Run away! Thud!
Nothing but sympathy for Ghost, I think we've all been there and it verily sucks...
I hate users, I hate users, I hate users, I hate users, I hate users.

Your server is down sir, I'll call you when it is back up
No I don't know how long it will take to fix
No logging in at another machine will not make a difference
I realize the people around you can work, they are on a differnet server
No I cannot move your files to a different server
Because the server is down sir, If I could get to your files the server would not be down
I just read what I posted this morning and suddenly thought of the love boat "Hi I'm Julie McCoy, I'll be your Blog director..."

Sparks and I have speant another weekend at our usual agenda: Get some things done for the wedding, try to find some quality time to spend with eachother, include some friends if possible and try to avoid being roped into anything involving any of our parents. We did swimmingly! I got my Tux, we picked up our invitations, pretty much worked out what our favors would be, finished registering for shower gifts (At Fortunoff and Target [pronounced Tar-jey] ), had some quality time (none of your business :-), had dinner with friends (Still need to talk to Skye and Angel, waiting for their lives to settle down a bit, but seeing how busy we are and knowing they have a week less than us...), AND with the exception of one phone call that slipped through, avoided all contact with any parental figures! Ah, bliss...

Anyway, I am going nuts waiting for the wedding day to be here. I have never looked so forward to anything (including that one christmas in 78 when I hoped to get that Car set and the Creepy Crawlers (TM) and I did!). I have to say, there's nothing like moving and getting married to give you sufficient stressful situations to know whether or not you will make it as a couple. How you deal with all these issues and events as partners really defines what you are to eachother. In that much at least I am truly happy.
Well I have to say, it's been a really unusual morning for blogs. I say that for several reasons actually:
1. Ghost did not Blog today and that is not like him.
2. Sky's Fiance' is blogging now and it's a really interesting read!
3. Metrocake made me laugh until I nearly fell off my chair!
4. UIM worked on Sunday and was completely lucid!

The profound and amazing beckon from every corner it would seem...

Friday, August 03, 2001

I sit in a sphere, part illusion, seperate from the chaos around me
Basking in the safetly of calm and peace
The walls are porous and dreamlike daggers slice to and fro
Oblivious to me, even as I bleed
Scarred, in bliss I heal and heal and heal, denying realities edge
Dripping life, mocking the blades
And I bathe in loving warm isolation
In my minds eye, the only eye that matters
I create my happiness, my friends, my love
In the reality of my perceptions
The only truth that carries me beyond death's threshold.
The only answer that never ends.

It seems my blog will not update no matter what I do. I try and it SEEMS to publish, and yet I stare at a blank space where Aug 3 should be. Why and I writing this? Well it's something to do, isn't it.

Thursday, August 02, 2001


I remember my creative writing course in college and I'm sure the one Ghost is taking now is more stressful than that. I wish him well on his grading adventure. I wonder though, was there a lot of variety to the stones or where they fairly similar? Do you think the professor watched to see the manner with which the stones were chosen? Is it possible that there could be an extra-credit assignment involving these stones? Maybe it's just to help you remember the things you learned?

-Jeez, Leonard Nimoy is never around to go "In search of" the answers we really need...

I hope SKY's move is going well. I also wonder if he is getting as nervous and excited as I am, now that our weddings are 3 months away. There should be some kind of support group for this stuff. "Hi, I'm Barry and I had to help plan and pay for my own wedding. Hi Barry..."


I can't tell you guys how spooked I was at the details surrounding the heat-stroke death of that 27 yr-old football player. Yea, I know he was heavy, but lots of football players are. The scary thing is that his youth and health actually worked against him in this case. His strength and endurance kept him up and going until his condition was much more severe than it might have been. My question is this: They say that his temperature was 108 by the time he arrived at the hospital, WHAT THE HELL DID THEY DO TO TRY AND COOL THIS GUY OFF BEFORE HE GOT THERE!!! I know they have coolers and ice all over the place! Why the f^ck wasn't he bathing in that sh!t until he got to the hospital? These are the things that piss me off at night as I try to clear my head of everything so that I can sleep. 108... my god, I can only imagine how many cells in his body were dead from that heat. His organs failed because there was simply too much to repair and too much dead and dying tissue in his blood. A little ice, a little sooner and maybe his son gets to know his father. Man this stuff pisses me off.

Why does it irritate me to see all the "related" stories like "Find out if you're at risk for heatstroke!". To me it's playing on peoples fears and capitalizing on tragedy. Yea, I know it's a great opportunity to enlighten people because the subject is likely on their mind, but still it gives me a feeling like an insurance salesman following a hearst...

Big Issues

So it looks like they are going to allow drilling to at least some extent on protected lands in Alaska. Let me share with you why I think this is not only a bad idea, but a poorly thought out one:

1. Always and obviously the potential for ecological disaster. This goes without saying and is moot.
2. They say they can get up to 80 billion barrels of oil this way.
A. How often do oil interests or ANY interests for that matter give accurate or even conservative numbers when speculating; it won't be that much.
3. Even if it WERE 80 million barrels, lets see where that gets us:
A. We currently consume 20 Million barrels A DAY of oil. Per year that works out to 7.3BILLION barrels per year.
B. Oil consumption will continue to rise and prices will fall in the short term.
C. This can go on for approx. 10-11 years at most.
D. At the end of this time we will have exausted our oil reserves and GUESS how OPEC will reward our newfound dependance on them? yea, higher prices.
E. Higher prices will cause a spiraling panic since people acutely undestand the concept of "no more".
F. Pressure on car makers to sell better milage cars will have been removed and we will be years behind in economy at a time where prices are highest.
G. Continued use of oil products in machines of all sorts will hasten the belching of black smoke and pollutants into the air. Cleaner fuel replacements will
be pushed back a few more years and every year is becoming more critical.
H. Republicans are currently trying to kill Democrat initiatives to force automakers to add upwards of 20MPG fuel economy. Republicans are countering
with 1-2 MPG improvements. Remember the Republicans are in the majority in the house, so only the senate stands in their way, the president is already
in line.
4. In short it endangers nature and propigates euphoria. this, to me, is very bad.

Well enough ranting. I hope you're all having a good week and I look forward to hearing about your lives as it does a lot to enhance my frame of mind and as you can tell I can use some enhancing right about now. :-)


Wednesday, August 01, 2001

World event I need to address today: Stem cell research

A group of Isreali researchers successfully engineered human stem cells to produce insulin. This is a huge step in the potential treatment of type 1 diabetes. Anyone who has known someone with type one know it is a horrible disease to live with.

Stem cell research is being attacked on principle because these cells are frequently obtained from fetuses and on this basis it is considered cruel if not murder. Let me share my thoughts here and maybe clear some things up:

1: I am against the use of stem cells collected by fertalizing eggs specifically for the purpose.
2. I am for the use of stem cells collected as "extras" left over from fertility treatments where they implant many eggs and then leave the healthiest ones in and remove the others later.
3. I am for the use of stem cells collected from fetal blood donated by families which comes from the blood in the umbilical cord at each birth.
4. I am for the use of stem cells obtained from the process of cloning other stem cells.
5. I am for the use of stem cells collected as a result of voluntary abortions.
6. I am against mandatory collection of stem cells as a result of any abortion.

And just to put this in perspective, I am strongly for the right to choose for women and I am strongly in favor of doing everything possible to make them not want to make that choice.

Local event I need to address today: Escalator Squatters
I have a gripe and I really want to know if I am alone on this one. I believe there are two kinds of people in the world, 1 which believes that an escalator is there to remove any obligation people have to use their own locamotive skills and type 2 which sees the escalator as a handy assist which can greatly augment one's trip between floors.

I am obviously the latter. I have no gripe with the elderly or sickly getting whatever they can out of any automation available, but my building is FULL of 18-34 year olds who believe that an escalator is an excuse to play dead. This is only worsened by there persistant belief that 1: It is perfectly ok to stand still dead center of the steps and 2: it is questionable if not rude to pass them on the way up.

No, obviously this is not everyone, many people politely stand against the side so others can get through, but all you need is one mule to stop traffic.

I have one other gripe. It seems the people who like to play dormant on the conveyer belt are the thinnest and healthiest looking people. I can't tell you how insulting that is to me psychologically...

Personal Event I need to Address today: My reproductive future
On the brighter side of things I am going to go to the Cryo center this weekend for a check up to determine if my little guys are still happy little swimmers now that it's 7 months after my radioactive iodine treatment. The outcome of this will greatly effect the agenda of my honeymoon so please send me your support on this one, I'll need it!

On a seperate note:
IT worries me when people think, or project the notion that they think of themselves as 'superior' because they have a greater knowledge of literature (or any single topic) than others. Maybe that is because I do not have such depth of knowledge and this makes me defensive, maybe it is because I value diversity of knowledge over specialization, maybe it's because I don't believe knowledge and Intelligence always correlate and maybe it's a combination of all of the above. Either way, this is my feeling. I prefer to judge one on their ability to be creative in ways that others can internalize and relate to easily. I believe that the sign of superiority, if such term is to be used at all (and it's use at all does make me nervous in and of itself due to it's many potentially negative connotations), is one's ability to be creative and intelligent without seeming superior or more intelligent than another. Anotherwords I value a person who can convey their thoughts in a way that both enlightens and makes the recipient feel intelligent and valued in the process...