Friday, July 27, 2001

Okay. Ding ding ding! The bell has been rung. First I want to acknowledge Ghost for his comments today and for making me think more about the assumptions and expectations of others and their relevance in my life. I guess having friends and people I care about has led me to subconsciously foster the deep desire to please, entertain and not offend those people and this 'cautiousness' plays a greater role in my writing than I would have thought. After reading today's post I realized I refrained from making many comments out of a desire not to create any more tension or commotion in my life or to alienate people I like and respect. I now consciously realize that my friends are capable and intelligent adults, mature enough to hear my real thoughts and respond without needing to worry. In short I didn't type opinions like:

"Why the &*#$ should I give a rats @$$ about a guy who gets jailtime for committing such an asinine and cruel act? As far as I am concerned it is more about the statement and threat of the action then the fact that it was a dog. Anyone who expects to get away with something because it's 'just' is totally insensative to the feelings of others and when you don't respect the feelings of others, EVEN IF YOU DON'T SHARE THEM, you are attacking the most beautiful part of humanity...its soul. Without that we are animanls ourselves and nasty ones at that I might add. Do I think the court sentance strong? Maybe, but I don't think this @$$hole deserves my sympathy. Anyone who has loved an animal like their own, like family, will understand the ruling though. The problem is that some people simply don't respect the value that animals can have because while they may like their own pets (if they even have them), they were never able to develop such an attachment. If they did and were capable of empathy they might see things differently."

I also have a small correction for Ghost. I have already been married and had it fail within a year. That was 5 years ago and I never let that experience act as anything but a self motivator and inspiration for my life. I will always take the time to stop and appreciate good things in my life and the love I have for my fiance' because I know how vacant that kind of relationship has been in my life. She is the first real 'best friend' I have ever had. I don't mean "in a girlfriend" or "in a wife" I mean she is my first TRUE best friend, male or female and you can bet your life that at age 30 I appreciate what that means enough to cherish that and her at every opportunity, hopefully for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I have had some great friends in my life, but that isn't the same as most of you guys already knew. See I've moved about 15 times in my life and never really lived anywhere long enough to settle in to an environment and be able to relate to someone on a social/environmental level. On the plus side though, the exposure to so many differnt sub-cultures and environments have made me a much more effective and capable person now. So only gratitude for that.

While I understand the boring aspect that these blogs frequently encumber themselves with, I also remember that this is a place of expression and sharing as well as creativity. Honestly, I like hearing how tired Ghost is or how much packing Skye has to do or how much better Metrocakes shoulders have been feeling. I frequently don't have the time or resources to spend with them or to even build up the relationships that in some cases are no longer there anymore, but it makes me feel more attuned to their every day life in a comforting way. In fact it greatly enhances my appreciation for their creativity when it does happen.

I think we need to bring our expectations more in line with the openness of the forum and less so with our expectations of the content within our own blogs. That being said, I do agree with Ghost though on a personal level and will strive to be more extroverted with my writing and less restrictive in my self-editing.

Oh and Ghost? Welcome back... :-)


Wednesday, July 18, 2001

First let me tell you all that I love that we address eachother in these blogs. Second let me say that I do not have any issue with GHOST referring to my writing as "Saccarine". I think of my writing as more "Nutri-Sweet", but so be it. I like GHOST and I enjoy reading his journal. Third, I really appreciate what UIM wrote yesterday. Irregardless of time or situation he has consistantly and persistantly been a great friend and it's just what friends do when they suspect something may be questionable towards a friend. I'd do the same for him and please believe me, there was no malice involved. I believe we are all fine and dandy with things, so please don't feel the need to run and give support one way or the other.

Personally, I like to be a little trite and a lot off the wall. After all the splendor and despair of life, I don't feel the need to express myself with $100 words and impressive references. I want to make it clear that I like and respect BOTH GHOST and UIM's knack for, and sophistication at, manipulating language and media in this capacity and I admire their love for the history of literature and the verbage they generate so seamlessly every day. I am not about that though. Whether you see me as incapable or unappreciative of such things is not my choice, it's yours, and that's cool too, have your opinions PLEASE, it's what makes life so rich and fun. I just want to take the next couple moments and explain why I write the way I do:

I am not currently trying to carve a niche for myself as a writter, but I do write. I have a script as well as 40-50 pages of notes for a book. The majority of what I write about is Spirituality, Religion and Human nature. I think and write about these things on a very granular level and attempt to explain the interconnectivity between them and the human environment while scientifically try and support ALL of them. That's right, I support Religion, Spirituality, Auras...with science. It's a grinding endeavor and to this end one component has come up as a hurdle again and again. There has been one major reason that people cannot come together and share their thoguhts effectively and that is Language itself and everyone's interpretations of it.

Before you really form an opinion on this this thought, just allow me to elaborate: Every word we speak has connotations beyond the dictionary definitions. We attach emotions and memories to many words on a subconscious level and our first few experiences with a new word tends to define the context in which our brains will process their meanings even after we learn there are 'other' definitions. This is human nature and how the biology of the mind is set up to function.

If you think about this you can probably backtrack examples of your own. Past relationships usually contain the most glaring instances. How many times have you argued and had someone react 'irrationally'. People you thought you knew, maybe even loved, getting "totally bent out of shape when I said 'x' ". This isn't always because so-and-so is a "Psycho". Usually because when that person had been addressed in that manner in the past it had a much different meaning and connotation and THAT is what they are hearing when you say it.

These are the easy ones to see, but I will tell you that every single word has these kind of items attached to them. Only the simplest and most over-used words seem to escape. For that reason I find it extremely important to use as universally understandable a writing stlye as possible to get my point accross. The more people care about something, or someone, the more they are betrayed by these language interpretational differences (Thanks Sparks, obviously I don't come to all these realizations on my own).

Now as for my subject matter, I am simply the owner of a spontaneous and somewhat childish sense of fun and humor and I delight in sharing such as a release of the frustration and stress of the day. I think simple off-the-wall comments are really fun and I figure if I want entertainment or humor on a more complex level I can just read UIM or GHOST....

When you are as intelligent as we are (and don't confuse knowledge with intelligence, that's good too, but different) the task of being correctly understood becomes more complicated at times. I take a simple high percentage path and others choose a well detailed and specific one. We both alienate people at times, unintentionally, I just prefer to alienate emotionally rather than intellectually, meaning I may occaisionally leave a person with a "Duh" instead of a "Huh?". :-) You guys are all great (SKYE and CAKE included) thanks for reading.


PS - Thanks and love to Sparks who gives me the support and love I never had which empowers me to get in touch with myself and my feelings on the level I now can.

PPS - Holy cow! Hey thanks for the link Metrocake! I didn't even think you knew I read your site!!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2001

After reading GHOST'S blog again today I realized I probably should share my stance on the controversial punnishment inflicted upon the dog lobber.

Well these things are never as simple as yes or know, so I will say that I do not support this sentance in general, but only if one of my suggested alternate punnishments (or reasonable equivilents) were selected in its place (Note, the next three lines will be serious, after that I make no promises):

1. 320 hours community service, cleaning stalls at North Shore Animal League. A printed public appology and replacement of the animal. (Light)
2. Paying a sizeable fine ($5,000-$10,000) as a deterrent to such actions as well as a Psychiatric evaluation and 6 months probation. (Joe's Choice!) (Medium)
3. 30 Days in jail (Possibly suspended), 2 years probation, a $5,000 fine paid to the driver that hit the animal and $10,000 paid to the dog owner. (Heavy)

Honestly, I think it needs to be reinforced that the dog was not to blame, the woman was and for that reason I am advocating in the future that when such things occur in the future it would be more correct to throw the woman into traffic and give the dog a nice buscuit and perhaps some kibble. The penaly would be much greater, but at least the focus would be properly placed.

Hostility management
It should be noted that in high pressure or stressful situations it is much safer and more effective to secretly curse or wish ill to those that cause you grief. In this way you can psychologically vent your rage and have the additional bonus of staying out of jail. For added enjoyment, when you pass accidents on the highway, feel free to pretend it was that person and the accident resulted because of your secret curse. This type of thing is untraceable and quite fulfilling!
Okay, I re-edited yesterdays post so that it makes for a more intelligable and interesting read. I hope you agree. :-)

"Why does the sun not shine in the morning as I wake? Only as a spite to the shadows that agonizingly lurk forever out of view" - Me, on a damn overcast morning

Monday, July 16, 2001

An update on GHOSTS' story about the dog and the guy who got three years for hurling it into traffic.

Apparently the woman was bringing the dog to a reading of her brothers' will. Proof of the dog's health and happiness was required for her to collect her inheritance. Worse, when the humane society removed the animal from the road they found it had no liscence and fined the woman after a records check confirmed this. The man who had hit the poor animal was apparently drinking a hot coffee that spilled when the collision occurred and sued Dairy Barn becase it was too hot. That suit was later dropped when it was found that the coffee contained alcohol and it could not be proven that the beverage was too hot at time of purchase since it was altered at some later point. Since the dog belonged to the woman, the insurance company sued her as well as the dog lobber. In the height of irony, it was discovered that the woman's daughter worked at the Dairy Barn and had secretly spiked the man's coffee because he was rude to her. Unfortunately a co-worker spotted this and reported such to the manager who promptly fired her. The car driver sued the girl who was still legally a minor living with the dog lady and she became liable for the damages. The Coffee Drinkers insurance company sued the Cannine lobber for damages but was unable to collect because the dog apparently bit the man as he grabbed the animal and was able to prove that this bite was sufficiently freightening for him to try and pull his hand free forgetting to let the dog go until it was already outside the vehicle and arcing towards traffic. He later sued the woman for not muzzling the potentially violent animal. Finally the insurance company won it's case against the woman for driving with the dog on her lapand in addition to damages was ordered never to own animals of any kind again until such time as she can prove the ability to care for them without endangering their safety.

You just can't make this stuff up...well okay I guess you can. :-)

Thursday, July 12, 2001

I've been resisting writing in the Blog lately. I haven't had much direction and don't really share any of the actual activities of my day. But this is simply because when I am at work the things that happen are usually too stupid or annoying for me to WANT to recount. Case in point:

User calls up and says she needs to use Internet Explorer but doesn't have it. I explain that everyone in the firm has it and to look on her desktop for an Icon that is a picture of a blue letter e. She looks but is unable to find the blue letter e. The she says "Wait, did you say blue letter E or blue letter V?" to which I respoded "Do you see a blue letter V?" "No". So I connect to her machine with the remote control tool we have and see that there are only 7 icons on her desktop. TWO of them are large blue letter e's. "Miss I am looking on your desktop and I see two of them." "Oh, did you mean those? I didn't know"

So you see, there is a reason I don't always talk about my day....

On the more blissful side, Sparks and I finally managed to arrange our Honeymoon. We're taking a 7 day western carribean cruise and it'll be Sparks' first cruise and only my second. We were worried about whether we'd be able to have a real honeymoon with the house we're buying, but the forces that be and a good travel agent seem to have smiled upon us.

Also, I miss Karaoke terribly now that I've gotten a taste. We had a great time with Skye and Ghost when we went and look forward to going again, now we just need a free Friday :-) Skye, I keep forgetting, we want to get together with you and Angel for dinner when you can, I'll e-mail you soon!

Friday, July 06, 2001

It's odd. I read my friends Blogs and I feel myself identify with so much I am reading. Truly relating to the pain and the frustration and the lonliness... I remember how I felt and want to lend kind words of support and understanding. That's not the odd part though. The Strange part is that I realized I haven't been saying anything to show love and support to my friends in their life struggles. Why? because I feel guilty. I am so happy and satisfied with my life right now that I don't feel I have the right to sympathize/empathize with my friends. Like I have to still be in that place to have the right to say "Yea, I know what that is like, I know how that feels; I know what that does to your heart, your outlook of the future..." Writing this I am still hesitant, wondering if that will be misconstrued as arrogant or foolish. The truth is that I have speant almost my entire life in those places, swept away by lonliness, fear, akwardness, feeling inadequate, hopelessly different, frustrated, probably more so than the friends I refer to. But meeting Sparks has, for the first time in my life, for 13 months and counting out of 30 plus years, changed all that and now I am in a strange place and confused.

Well, for better or worse, here are my thoughts and I must share them, no matter how they might be read and internalized.

Until the very day I met Sparks, I felt on some level that my life was going nowhere, to be brutally honest, I did not have plans to be alive and alone by age 45. that is how much time I gave myself to straighten up my life and find happiness. Like it or not that was the deal and I am sharing that here for the first time. Before you view me as a hopeless and depressed person though, you must understand that within this I had faith that there would be someone and I found a strength and ability to begin liking, even loving life. When my cancer came I never fell into depression, I was totally confident and happy. I was educated, understood the situation and was quite unflappable.

The point I am trying to make is that there is room inside of me (and I believe everyone) to be lonely, frustrated, scared, fearful of the future and also strong, loving, determined and full of faith. Embracing both of those things is not hypocracy, it's honesty. I believe that kind of turmoil exists in us all. Making that realization was among the most liberating things in my life. I was suddenly free to be hopeful and self-doubtful at the same time and see that as normal. I was free to act on the most positive of my feelings because I was allowing myself to feel and embrace the negative without the guilt that was draining me and dragging me to my knees for years.

The fact that I met Sparks within 2 years of beginning this outlook and the fact that I was in the time between my 2nd and 3rd cancer surgeries is a testament to that. It could have been a very frightening and depressed time for me, but it wasn't, not because I wasn't scared and nervous on some level, but because I allowed myself to humbly say, "yea it's a frightening and scary thing", it also helped empowered me to say "I really love life and if misery wants me it's going to come get me, I'm not waiting for it!" and frankly had the best period of my life in terms of openness, sharing, loving and fun. Much more than I ever thought possible and yes, that is also when I met Sparks. Incidentally that time continues even now, in fact it is growing.

So what am I really saying to my friends, whose blogs I read every day? I get your fear and I hear your frustration and I identify. You are great people and I have faith that your lives will always be great and valuable and all the things in it will reflect that. Everything that happens in life is valuable, not necessarily good, but valuable and internalized as such I hope for you to find a way to seek that value always. When you are tired of seeking value and tired of working and tired of obligations, go dance or sing or play, with your friends. let go of the commitments and imperatives and guilt and just have some fun. Forget your 'needs' for a while and just empty and smile. It's in those moments that your life will happen and in those moments where the things you grasp constantly for will come to you...

This is my feeling and my belief and nothing more.

Maybe you disagree with my thoughts or think them hollow or trite, I say that is your right to think and I am glad of your differning opinion, maybe we can talk and my beliefs will have the chance to change or grow. Maybe my discoveries are common sense for you and if so I am happy you did not have to go through what I did to learn, but also know that I believe we are all more alike and more unalike that any of us will ever really know and that like-ness and unlike-ness are equally valuable and desirable in life, just as obstacles and successes are both forever intertwined and both should be loved and embraced.

Love to you all and especially to Sparks, God and finally Myself...